I’m not ready

I’ve had senioritis since seventh grade. But it wasn’t until senior year that I realized I’m not ready to graduate at all.

By now, I’m expected to know what I want to do with my life, where I would like to attend college and what I’m going to do when I graduate. But I don’t and that terrifies me.

Because unlike my sister, who has had her whole life planned since the first grade, I haven’t.  

I’m not a planner. I don’t plan my entire life out and stick to it strictly. I’m more go-with-the-flow. The only concrete plan I have is to actually attend college.

I can’t even decide what I want to wear in the morning or eat for dinner, let alone what I want to do with my life.

There’s so many things I could be happy doing: being a journalist, nurse, teacher, lawyer. Besides, how can I know what I want to be when I grow up, when I’ve never really had experience in any of those fields?

Being a senior is like watching a baseball game; it’s exciting the first half hour or so, then the excitement dies down and then boredom and day-dreaming occur. You get lost and confused in the middle and then before you know it, the ninth inning has ended and it’s time to go home.

This school year has just started and I already feel like I’m behind on my college apps.  

I’m not even really sure what FAFSA is and when it’s supposed to be filled out.

In all honesty, I’m not ready to graduate just yet.

Besides, how will I ever be able to leave my darling dachshund, Toula? I don’t even want to think about leaving her.

I hope for this year to be epic. I don’t want to waste a single day. My goal is to try to smile and be happy everyday, even if I feel lost in the array of college apps and financial aid forms. Because complaining and wallowing isn’t going to help me or console me. It’ll only stress me out more. So I might as well enjoy the year while I can and prepare myself for the inevitable graduation day.